


Quasar

by Ser_Renity



Series: Post-Canon [3]
Category: Bleach
Genre: A whole lotta, Crushes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, POV Second Person, Pining, Rukia POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 12:31:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4435580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ser_Renity/pseuds/Ser_Renity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was something you only ever watched from afar; the way your brother’s eyes softened when he spoke of Hisana, the smile Kaien had granted his wife even as she left for the last time.<br/>Now the concept changed, shifted; and suddenly you found yourself thinking of flowers and the stars.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quasar

**Author's Note:**

> I promised a lot of people I would write this and I honestly never thought I would- if only because of those damn expectations.
> 
> But it happened and now it exists and here you go. (I got so much more to say so bear with me lmao)
> 
> 1: I am Grimmichi trash and I am sorry. It is not the focus of this at all, but it is "heavily implied" (thanks @stupidwolves for confirming :D).
> 
> 2: Thanks @ everyone who supported me with this. If I ever sent you a message, this thanks includes you so please feel the appreciation radiating off of me
> 
> 3: I am in Rukihime hell whoops

* * *

 

 

“I really, really, really need your help,” was the first thing she said to you as you walked into her house that day. You knew you were gone and sold to the idea before she even voiced it.

 

* * *

 

 

“Oy, Rukia!” Ichigo called out to you and you had to hide your smile. It was always good hearing his voice, knowing that the idiot was still alive and around.

  
“Don’t just go shouting my name like that,” you replied without ever breaking your stride, “People will think you are being disrespectful again.”

  
“Yeah, wouldn’t want to give them the wrong idea, right?”

  
“Right.”

  
Ichigo jogged up to you and started walking beside you, hands in his pockets and posture unsightly for someone who just saved the world.

  
Soul Society was still quiet, still recovering and you liked to take a walk through the rubble now and again. It reminded you of how long and difficult the battle had been and how much had been at stake.

  
The Quincy were gone and the war was won, but you still felt the cold chill in your bones.

  
Looking at Ichigo now you remembered how close it had been; how close he had come to being lost in the machinery of Soul Kings.

  
“So, you’re gonna stay here?” he asked and rubbed the back of his neck.

  
You scoffed and looked away. He made it sound like you wanted to even if he knew exactly that the choice was not entirely yours.

  
“For now,” you said, “Don’t go crying about it, idiot.”

  
And as Ichigo smiled it felt to you like the first day of summer vacation. It was how Orihime had described a happiness born of relief, the prospect of a warm and lively future. You had liked the sound of it even as others laughed at the comparison.

 

* * *

 

 

And you looked at her now as you visited her for the first time in years and she was brighter than the sun, vibrant, glowing. And you remembered admiring Kaien from afar, remembered how your gaze alone killed him. If that was enough to end a life what would your touch do if you ever dared to reach out?

  
So you buried every thought, every urge, every tiny whispery wish deep in your heart for safe-keeping. It was difficult, sharing it with people.

  
But Orihime asked you for a favor and you could not refuse.

 

* * *

 

 

“Tatsuki-chan is throwing a party and my aunt decided to come visit me for the first time in years,” Orihime explained to you while she stirred salt into her royal milk tea, “And I- I might have said something stupid.”

  
“You can tell me, I won’t laugh,” you said and watched her as she bit her lip.

  
Of course, she never wanted others to worry, not even when others would have cracked under the strain. It wasn’t like you couldn’t relate, but you just wished she could-

  
“Yeah, I know,” she said and laughed, wiping her dry eyes, “Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“Where did those idiots run off to?” you asked and looked around, taking shelter inside a collapsed building. You had wanted to regroup before attacking the newly appeared Sternritter- they were a force to be reckoned with and this was not the time for heroics or false bravado._

  
_“I think Abarai-kun and Nel followed the others when they launched their attack, but I couldn’t really see with all that dust around.”_

  
_Orihime was by your side, her shoulders touching yours. She smelled like the ocean and the sand of Hueco Mundo and you wanted to reach out and press your fingers to her skin to know she was real, she was back, she was here with you._

  
_“We’ll go after them,” you told her and met her uncertain eyes, “No one will die today.”_

  
_It was an impossible promise, but the look on her face changed. You had seen it before when you trained together all those months ago. Determination. Trust._

  
_“Yes,” Orihime said and smiled, “Let’s go, Rukia.”_

 

* * *

 

 

She told you about her living situation, about her aunt who was sweet and kind but forgot she existed at least six days a week. You remembered her brother and seeing him go and you wondered how in the worlds she ever managed not to ask for help.

  
“I told her I wasn’t living alone,” Orihime said and buried her face in her hands, “I said someone lived with me now so she wouldn’t worry.”

  
It would have been too harsh to ask how a person who never cared for a decade should be able to worry now, so you swallowed it down like the thought of holding her hand.

  
You were not sure where they came from, those ideas that went beyond friendship and into a territory that was so foreign to you. Love was a strange thing on the best of days and romantic feelings twice as complicated.

  
It was something you only ever watched from afar; the way your brother’s eyes softened when he spoke of Hisana, the smile Kaien had granted his wife even as she left for the last time.

  
Now the concept changed, shifted; and suddenly you found yourself thinking of flowers and the stars.

 

* * *

 

 

_“I wanted to become an astronaut,” Orihime laughed even as her voice was choked up with tears and her skin bloody and pale, “I wanted to see the moon up close.”_

  
_“A what?” you couldn’t help but ask and watched as her fingers touched upon the broken rib cage of a comrade, unafraid of the carnage the Quincy has left. No, Orihime had not been scared for a while. All you could see as she knitted back together flesh and bones was sadness, despair, endless grief. She wanted the fighting to end and you wondered where that kindness came from, that desire to help._

  
_“I wanted to go see the stars,” she continued and pressed a hand against her lips so you wouldn’t see how they bled. Bite down until the tears were stopped._

  
_“See them up close?” you asked._

  
_“Yeah. Touch them if I can, see if they have already gone out.”_

  
_“What do you mean?”_

  
_Your eyes were fixed on the person dying before your, her hands digging into the bleeding wound as if she could rip the pain out with her bare fingers._

  
_“Some of them have already stopping shining, but because they are so far away we can still see them.”_

  
_A cough, a sputter. The heart was silent._

 

* * *

 

 

The party you were meant to accompany her to was a month away and you had time to spend, people to see and check up on. Orihime insisted that you stayed with her, too, if only to keep up the front and prepare for the role you would have to play.

  
It was not optimal, but you nodded anyway and went along.

* * *

 

 

“It isn’t like I wanna stay here, you know,” Renji muttered as you saw him on the doorstep of Urahara’s shop, “They just-”

  
“You like it here, don’t you?”

  
Renji stopped in the middle of his sentence, opened his mouth and closed it again. You had known him for ages and there was no way he could lie to you. The fun thing was waiting to see if he would try.

  
“Yeah, you’re right,” he admitted after a while and sighed, “I don’t, like, miss being alive, it’s just-”

  
“You feel like there is more freedom out here,” you finished and sat down next to him, “Like there are no walls keeping you in.”

 

* * *

 

 

When you thought of the human world the first thing that came to your mind was Ichigo; as if your brain developed a reflex that snapped you back to him time and time again.

  
“You’re soulmates,” Orihime joked once and you knew the sadness outweighed the jealousy, “It’s like you were meant to be together.”

  
You didn’t deny it. How could you? The moon and the sun, contrasts, everything pointed to the two of you and it was an exhilarating thought; belonging with someone because fate itself decided it.

  
But even if what you felt for Ichigo was love, it wasn’t the kind you saw when you closed your eyes and tried to think of where your heart wanted to lead you. Kaien would have laughed at that, ruffled your hair, said something teasing. Some days you missed him so much it hurt.

 

* * *

 

 

Orihime took you to a firework festival; she took you to get ice cream and pointed out stars she was sure she would visit one day.

  
“You should come with me,” she told you and smiled.

  
You stuttered something and your cheeks burned as she took your hand and tugged you along, through the night and out to a place where the fireworks illuminated the sky.

  
“Kuukaku’s fireworks were a little like this,” Orihime commented and her smile turned wistful, “When we went to rescue you.”

  
It sounded like a fairy tale to you, an all-familiar story of a princess incarcerated in a tower, waiting for a knight to come and save her. You never liked the sound of that.

  
“Thank you,” you said now and tried not to think of her fingers on yours, “For coming for me.”

  
“You’re my friend,” Orihime said and looked at you like that was obvious, “That hasn’t changed.”

  
Time didn’t exactly stop; but it slowed down, somehow, as if your mind decided to cling to this memory forever, never let it go because it was precious to you.

  
“I-” you started and there were a million things you wanted to say, “I-”

  
Orihime put a finger against your lips and pouted.

  
“No, no, no taking that back,” she scolded you and tugged at your hand again, “Now we go back and try out all the different desserts they have to offer. No complaints.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“You’re injured,” you commented as you jogged through the ruins, spirit particles going wild all around like a tornado leading the way. The Quincy king was close and you could feel Ichigo’s reiatsu up ahead. Chad and the Arrancar were with him, the four bright flames not wavering._

  
_“I’m fine,” Orihime said, “We need to keep going.”_

  
_Her smile was as fake as they could ever be._

  
_“You don’t need to force yourself, you know,” you told her, “You-”_

  
_“I’m fine!” Orihime snapped and seemed embarrassed by her outburst a second later, “I just.... I don’t want to be a burden. We can’t stop now. I can do this.”_

  
_What she mistook for underestimation was worry but this was not the time and place to tell her that._

  
_In the end she was right, she could do this, she could pull through and save the world in the process. You helped her, though, and felt less like a princess trapped in a tower and more like one fighting for those she loved alongside them. A home to protect, a promise to keep._

 

* * *

 

 

“You promised to come here with me,” Orihime said as she balanced what was definitely too much ice cream in her hands.

  
You found yourself laughing because it was such an endearing, small part of who she was; right there with her teenage crush and her confusion and the weird little scribbles she added to your drawings. Some horns on a rabbit, wings on another.

  
“I did,” you said and hid your blush by burying your face in your scarf. It was a chilly day and your ears hurt in the cold; but Orihime said it was an appointment and couldn’t wait. So you followed her out and tried not to shiver every time you licked at the ice cream that smelled like oranges but tasted like lemon.

  
“I can’t feel my tongue anymore,” Orihime suddenly said and it sounded like she wasn’t joking, her voice slurred and confused, “Whoops.”

  
You looked over at her and her fluffy earmuffs and suddenly you were giggling like a small child. Laughter was not easy to stop once you got going, like a tidal wave that swept you with it.

  
Orihime seemed confused, her tongue sticking out and her eyes wide as she watched you. Then she smiled, too and dropped half of what she was carrying as she laughed with you.

  
It didn’t matter very much that you were cold and your toes hurt, not if she was close and the smell of the desert was almost gone.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sounds like you’re having fun,” Ichigo said as you accompanied him on a routine patrol around the town, “In this world and all.”

  
“Well, of course,” you replied, “Aren’t you?”

  
Ichigo grumbled something about work and responsibilities and gestured vaguely.

  
“Eloquent,” you answered and smirked, “As always.”

  
“Don’t you start with that. Bad enough my dad is always up my ass trying to get me into med school.”

  
“What’s stopping you?”

  
“Nothing, really.

  
“Then stop moping,” you said and frowned, “It’s what you wanted all along, isn’t it? And don’t tell me you think you can’t save lives because you have only destroyed things so far. The Ichigo I know wouldn’t say such selfish things.”

  
He grinned and moved ahead so you wouldn’t see it.

  
“Come on, we still have a lot of ground to cover,” he said, “And don’t you start with that talk, too, I get it already.”

  
“Well, it’s the truth. It is not my fault you are too much of a fool to understand it.”

 

* * *

 

 

When you found out Orihime was working in a hotel you were surprised. It was not what you expected; but then the obvious answer was rarely right when it came to people. Seeing her work you wondered why you ever thought that you could guess something about her. It wasn’t that simple; she wasn’t that simple.

  
“This is just temporary, but I love helping people like this,” she said and pressed the small bell on the counter top twice as if to show you how fun it was.

  
“Temporary?” you asked.

  
“Yep,” Orihime confirmed and laughed, pushing back strands of her hair behind her ear, “I just want some money for now so I have some saved for later.”

  
Soul Society didn’t exactly work like the human world did and you were still confused by how they functioned sometimes.

  
“What’s going to happen later?” you asked.

  
As she laughed you were painfully made aware that this was still a foreign concept to you, this _normal_ humanity that you lost when you died.

  
“I want to take care of puppies at a shelter,” Orihime laughed, “I want to bake cakes and I want to dive to the bottom of the sea, you know.”

  
You did not know.

  
“I might become a writer,” she continued and furrowed her brows as she proceeded to muse, “Or have a tv show so I can do all these things while telling the stories of all the people who were not allowed to speak before. People who need my help.”

  
Her voice sounded a little less lighthearted than before, a little more serious as she traced the headlines of a newspaper on the counter. Sometimes you forgot that they were still dying so quickly, more and more souls returning to the Soul Society even outside a war orchestrated by Aizen. To Orihime it was a constant reality.

  
“That sounds amazing,” you allowed yourself to say and your chest felt too tight.

  
She smiled at you again.

  
“So what do you wanna do?” she asked and leaned onto the counter, “Later?”

  
It caught you off guard.

  
“I-,” you began and your mind was blank, “I don’t know. Soul Society is no exactly the place to find a diversity of career choices.”

  
“But there must be something you want to do,” Orihime said, “Even if it’s just a tiny thing.”

  
It had been a while since you allowed yourself to think like that; because if you wanted something and honestly wished for it there was so much to lose at the same time; and the ones who risked things for you always got hurt. You still saw Ichigo bleeding out on the sidewalk sometimes, Byakuya as he shielded you from Gin’s attack. Renji, Chad and then-

 

* * *

 

 

_“Rukia!” Orihime shouted and you turned to face her in the middle of the battlefield as if it was nothing but a warm spring day at the beach._

  
_“Watch out!” was the next thing you heard her yell._

  
_Your bankai shielded the shot to your back only to an extent; the bullet pierced your spine, your lungs, your rib cage._

  
_A dying breath and you were falling, just like that, until suddenly you weren’t anymore._

  
_“Rukia!” you heard someone shout and it might have been Ichigo, but he wasn’t the one who caught you with some difficulty._

  
_Orihime embraced you with both her arms and her power and you could feel the wound close before it even stopped smoking. The powerful shield around you withstood all of the bullets that followed. An orange glow flickered in front of you at all times._

  
_Weakness was dangerous and you closed your eyes in shame. This wasn’t what you had trained for. This wasn’t meant to happen again._

  
_And you saw the exhaustion on her face after having to save so many others and you hated yourself even more as she pressed you close and saved you as well._

  
_“I am not letting you die,” Orihime forced out between gritted teeth. She was beautiful even with dirt in her hair and all over her face, with blood on her lips and clothes she didn’t even like._

  
_The thought of her suffering for your sake sent your stomach into spasms._

 

* * *

 

 

“I want to go see the ocean,” you said and laughed breathlessly as if this was a big secret, “I forgot what it looked like.”

  
Orihime smiled like she always did, as if every word you said was made of gold and every thought a kind one.

  
”We’ll go together,” she promised you and your heart skipped a beat, “Right?”

  
You nodded because your throat was suddenly too tight and the blush threatened to turn your face scarlet.

  
“Oh, I almost forgot,” Orihime gasped then, “The party’s tomorrow!”

  
You laughed your nervousness away as she rang the bell again for good measure.

 

* * *

 

 

The thing was that all this time you had been able to pretend this was how things were meant to be; the two of you together and happy ever after. All throughout the week you could pretend those meetings were dates and those gestures one of love. If you didn’t think too hard you could still think so now; as if this was something you deserved.

  
“This is Rukia,” Orihime said as she introduced you, “She’s the one who lives with me.”

  
By some sort of twisted coincidence her aunt was called Masaki; you wondered if maybe that was the reason Orihime had avoided inviting Ichigo. Because from what you knew about his mother she had been a kind and gentle woman; the one standing before you seemed hardened by a harsh life and her eyes looked dead to you.

  
“Your girlfriend, then,” she said and smiled a tiny wisp of a smile, “I didn’t take you for the type.”

  
That was where it all went awry.

  
Orihime laughed nervously and you realized for the first time that this was what you were doing; actually pretending to date, actually playing the happy couple as if the thought had never crossed your mind before.

 

* * *

 

 

_The moment you realized you were falling in love with her happened so much earlier than you ever would have guessed. Kaien- no, Aaroniero took his stab at you and you were bleeding out on the floor._

  
_You should have thought about all your friends and in some way you did; but the clearest thought on your mind was Orihime, trapped in that monstrosity of a castle with Aizen and his ten mercenary Arrancar._

  
_Of course you trusted your friends to keep trying, but in that single insignificant moment it seemed like all hope was lost. If you had had the strength you would have crawled on, but there was nothing left to draw strength from._

  
_Kaien was dead, again, and now Orihime would be next. Your heart was not safe inside your chest._

 

* * *

 

 

“So, how did you meet? I presume there is an interesting story to that.”

  
“We met in school,” you said with difficulty and smiled so blindingly everyone who knew you could tell it was fake, “We both took an interest in fashion.”

  
“Is that so,” Masaki replied and looked you up and down as if your dress was clattered with roaches.

  
“Rukia’s drawings and designs are amazing, I wish you could see them!” Orihime said and clapped her hands together, “All of it is so cute and colorful, but still so mature at the same time.”

  
You looked up and her and felt a twinge of happiness; because you had shown her some of the pieces you created, far away from the you that was only suited for battle and killed whoever she got close to.

  
“And she has such an eye for photography, I am sure even professionals would be jealous,” Orihime continued.

  
You didn’t know where to put your hands, where to look, how to breathe like a normal person. It wasn’t something you were used to; you told yourself it was just flattery to keep up appearances, but the hope was not easily extinguished.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Look over here!” Orihime called out and you did. A bright flash brightened you and you yelped, rubbed your eyes, wondered what sorcery that was._

  
_“What are you doing?” you asked and blinked frantically, “Since when do you use kido-”_

  
_“It’s a camera,” Orihime laughed and held up a picture of you, looking confused with slightly reddened eyes._

  
_Your embarrassment faded quickly as she tugged you close, held up the camera again and took a picture of the two of you together, her smile brighter than ever and your eyes fixed on her._

  
_She smelled like vanilla now, like the spices she had added to her food and the paint on her fingertips. A new masterpiece, you had teased her as she showed you a picture of a robotic rabbit, a most extraordinary creature found in legends._

 

* * *

 

 

Masaki was not as impressed with you as she could have been, yet she nodded grudgingly as if she had any authority to rule over Orihime’s choices. However, she was family and you understood how that could bind someone to people they would not necessarily choose- or perhaps Orihime truly did love her because her heart was just enough for the world.

  
“Well, at least your taste in romantic partners is better than your taste in friends,” Masaki said pointedly and sipped on the drink she held between her fingertips.

  
You didn’t quite get what she meant just yet; after all there were many people around celebrating.

  
Orihime led you through the waves of guests and introduced you to some of them; there were Tatsuki’s friends and those others who had found their way here on their own. Ichigo was not around and you wondered if he was busy with his studies by now.

  
“I’m sorry,” Orihime said by your side and then she sighed, “I should have told you that she would think we are together. I just thought...”

  
You were not quite sure what you expected her to say, your heart pounding away and your palms sweaty as though you just entered the Kuchiki home for the first time, feeling like a bug among cranes.

  
Every muscle in your body was tense and you feared you would unwind entirely if the pressure lessened; what if you fell apart, just like that?

  
While you talked you kept walking and that was the reason you never found out what Orihime had wanted to say.

  
You bumped into someone by accident, stumbled a little. A muttered curse was all you heard and then they were gone again. It was a brief encounter and yet it sufficed for you to catch a glimpse of blue hair.

  
“What is he doing here?” you asked incredulously and looked over at Orihime for support or an equal measure of surprise.

  
She shrugged as if there was nothing weird about it at all.

  
“I invited him,” she said and fidgeted.

  
“You invited an Espada?” you asked, unsure if she was joking, “I mean, technically he isn’t one anymore but-”

  
“I think he got into a fight with Kurosaki-kun,” Orihime interrupted you and the name sounded strange when she said it, “I thought he could use the company. We’re friends now, you know?”

  
You doubted that sincerely but you stayed quiet, at least for now. This was not the time and place to argue. Not with what felt like a thousand eyes on you and the feeling of happiness still fresh on your mind.

  
“Let’s have some fun here, okay?” you asked and smiled, “I saw they had some food over there.”

  
Orihime’s eyes did not glint, but she did take your hand in hers and tugged you along like she always had.

 

* * *

 

 

_Ichigo had just lost his powers as you made another trip to the human world, just to check on them. The members of the Kuchiki clan told you it was foolish to get attached to them; they were going to die and forget about you and then you would be alone all over again. It was an argument you could not win. Yet you went, time and time again, if only to see they were laughing. “Without you” was a suffix you had learned to ignore. They were happy and you would meet again, what did the details matter?_

  
_Orihime saw you and called your name. You were not prepared to be be hugged and yet you were far from shocked or speechless._

  
_“Your hair looks amazing like this!” Orihime told you and stroked the tips as if she couldn’t believe it, “Reminds me of one of those heroes in Tatsuki-chan’s fighting movies!”_

  
_She told you her favorite were comedies, but monster movies came in a close second._

  
_“You don’t know who Godzilla is?” she asked and pressed her palm against her mouth, “We must change that immediately. I will make it my mission.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“So if this Godzilla fought against a Kaiju, then-”

  
“He would win, of course!” Orihime declared and nudged your shoulder with hers, “Have you seen that person over there? They are wearing a bear on their hat.”

  
“I think that _is_ their hat,” you replied and bit into something that was crispy and tasted like a fruit you had never eaten before.

  
You sat quite a distance away from the other people; more distant relatives, more unpleasant friends overstaying their welcome.

  
You knew Orihime would never directly make fun of them, but you watched her as she rolled her eyes at a man who decided to wear two different shoes and declared it was a “statement”.

  
“How many of these people do you actually know?” you asked softly, “I mean, besides me, your aunt and Tatsuki?”

  
Orihime didn’t answer and hugged her legs to her chest.

  
“I don’t mind,” she said and bit her lip, “You know, I am okay with just knowing their names and smiling at them.”

  
“Are you sure?”

  
She looked down, contemplated.

  
“Sometimes I wish she could come around more often, you know. Check on me without all this.”

  
You placed a hand on her shoulder, just a gentle touch.

  
“Sometimes I just feel like a parasite,” Orihime muttered, “You know, living off her money because what I earn isn’t enough to support myself yet.”

  
You sat in silence for a while, let all those prestigious people pass by.

  
“Why did you ask me?”

  
The question asked itself; you felt as though you had no control over it, as if your mouth decided to take the step you were not yet ready for.

  
Orihime looked at you with confusion.

  
“For,” you began and cleared your throat, “For this. As a, I mean, date.”

  
“Because you’re my friend,” she answered and smiled, “Because you are my best friend and there is no one else I would trust with this right now.”

  
Tatsuki was at the back of your mind but there was something about the two of them that you understood stopped their relationship from ever being like it was before. Whatever it was, it had to be powerful and a burden on them both, but for now you were clueless as to what it could be.

  
“I’m glad,” you said and wondered if she knew how the word _friend_ was not enough anymore. You were happy like this, sheltered away from the world and responsibilities with her by your side; and _friend_ was not less than you felt, and yet never quite enough.

You hated yourself for being greedy and ungrateful, it reminded you of the last time you had wanted something for yourself and-

  
Glass clinked as it broke and you were abruptly startled out of your daydream.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Wow, your circles are so perfectly round!” Orihime said as she watched you paint a canvas red and gray, black and blue._

  
_It was something she urged you to try- stray far from pens and pencils and see if watercolors were more your thing._

  
_You should be back in Soul Society by now, see to your squad and try to mediate between your new captain and the lower ranked officers. Hiyori was not the most agreeable of person._

  
_Instead you sat on the ground in Orihime’s apartment, your clothes spotted and your fingers sticky with paint._

  
_“Draw whatever you think of,” she told you and urged you to try again as you grew frustrated with what you had done so far, “Don’t think so much. You’ll do fine.”_

  
_The red spilled on the floor and it was the first time in a long while that its color did not make you nauseous._

 

* * *

 

 

“Orihime, I am very disappointed in you,” Masaki said, “That you associate with someone such as this-”

  
You were not sure what she was going to say next, you were mostly still shocked by the scene you had stumbled upon with Orihime in tow.

  
“Lady, just get the fuck off my case or I’ll smash the next one over your head,” you heard Grimmjow mutter.

  
It surprised you he could still talk, judging by the amount of alcohol he seemed to have accumulated. It was a strange sight, one of Aizen’s top dogs resting his head on the counter of a bar in a human establishment.

“Someone remove him already,” Masaki sighed, “Before I do it myself.”

  
Orihime glanced at you with a mixture of amusement and panic- while a nice visual in theory the two of you were not that would not end well at all.

  
“Why doesn’t your girlfriend get him home?” Masaki asked and played her hand on your shoulder, “I am sure that won’t be a problem, right?”

  
You remembered a hand stabbed in your gut, being thrown aside carelessly. Orihime did not know about that, never needed to know.

  
“I am sure there is another-”

  
“I insist,” Masaki interrupted her, “I want a word with you alone and I am certain she is the one you trust most with matters such as this, correct?”

 

* * *

 

 

Had someone told you that agreeing to pretend to date Orihime would cause you to end up on a train with Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, you might have considered your answer a bit more carefully.

  
Your posture was stiff at first, your back pressed against the green fabric of the seat as if you could hide behind it.

  
Grimmjow was sprawled out beside you, but he had enough common sense to scoot over until there was space between you. By now you were sure he was nowhere near as delirious as you had suspected, but he was still well beyond tipsy, his head leaning back against the seat and his eyes unfocused, staring holes into the empty space.

  
It was a long ride back to where you knew he stayed and it still hurt you to think you had left Orihime alone with her horrible aunt just to get a wasted Arrancar somewhere safe.

  
At least you seemed to agree that talking would be too awkward, so-

  
“You and Orihime, huh?” Grimmjow slurred, “Who woulda thought.”

  
On your list of things you wanted to do at this time of the night you were sure there was no mention of “discussing your crush on an unattainable person with an Arrancar”.

  
“It’s none of your business,” you replied sharply and listened to him snicker, “But it was just to convince her aunt she isn’t living by herself.”

  
Grimmjow muttered something that sounded like “Should have bashed her head in with the cheap wine after all”.

  
“Didn’t look like you were pretending to me,” he said out loud and tried in vain to sit up straight, “Looked like ya wanted to propose right then and there.”

  
“Still, none of your business,” you replied.

  
Grimmjow groaned and slumped down again, this time for good. He was quiet, then, and some of your tension bled away.

  
“I don’t like trains,” he mumbled then.

  
The light was dim and sterile like the one in Kurotsuchi’s laboratories; you were uncomfortable in here, too, in a metal tube like this that moved you along without a word.

  
“They didn’t have these before I died,” you found yourself saying and it was a strange thought, a common one. It hung in the air like a rain cloud, like something inherently melancholic.

  
“Same here,” Grimmjow said, “Trains, sure, but not-”

  
“Not these,” you finished and huffed out a quiet laugh, “Nothing this fast and and bright.”

  
You fell silent again after that, listened to the sound of the wind brushing past the windows and the metallic noises of the train itself as it wormed its way across the city. No one else was with you in this compartment and you felt isolated from the world outside; as if time rushed on without you.

  
“She doesn’t know you wanna be like that for real, huh?” Grimmjow asked.

  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  
“She thinks you went along for the heck of it, because you’re friends and it’s fun and that’s all there is.”

  
You wanted him to stop talking, but somehow the shift in atmosphere had taken a hold of you too. It was like the smell of a specific day in your childhood that only you could remember; and it could always take you right back to that day without delay. Right now you saw the lights of Rukongai, the lights inside the shine of penitence, the lights inside Las Noches. Reminiscent of so many times, but one especially- Aaroniero was a name you had trouble forgetting.

  
“They’ll all tell ya to go for it,” Grimmjow muttered and still looked right past you, “Tell ya it’s easy like that. It isn’t, though.”

  
A snarky reply was on the tip of your tongue but the look on his face was enough to stop you.

  
“You’ll always wonder if they aren’t more than you deserve, if they aren’t too good for you,” he continued and grinned at no one in particular, a hollow smile, “And then they save your life and you are dead and simple and they are too much for you to fathom.”

  
Grimmjow fell quiet after that, stared at the ceiling, ran his fingers over the seat as if to memorize the pattern of the material.

  
You looked outside. There were no stars to see tonight and you wondered if Orihime would even find the time to look for them today.

  
“I hate trains, too,” you said and never checked to see his reaction, “When I first came here I was too afraid to step inside and stayed on the roof until we arrived where we wanted to go.”

  
Another silence, strangely comfortable.

  
“I remember, you know,” Grimmjow said after a while.

  
You waited for him to continue.

  
“Stabbing you and all.”

  
If you were completely honest with yourself, that was a thing of the past and an irrational fear, especially since your final fight with Yhwach. It was still strange to be reminded of it.

  
“Yes?” you asked and swallowed, “What about that?”

  
Grimmjow shuffled a little, got comfortable and yawned.

  
“My bad,” he said.

 

* * *

 

 

“Inoue called me and said I should pick you up from here and-” Ichigo stopped in the middle of his sentence and his eyes widened comically as he took in the image of you and Grimmjow getting off a train.

  
“Oh god not again,” he said and gave you an apologetic smile.

  
Then he caught the stumbling Espada before he fell. You got the feeling they had been here before, as if this was some strange ritual. Ichigo still cursed as he heaved Grimmjow onto his back and gestured at you to come along.

  
“So what the hell happened?” he asked and you followed him warily.

  
“Her aunt wanted a party, that guy-,” she pointed at the sleeping bundle of Arrancar, “Got thrown out, Orihime is there by herself now.”

  
“Shit,” Ichigo said, “Should have known this would happen.”

  
You walked beside him all the way, but your mind was somewhere else. Like the past few days you thought of deserving and being worthy of things, of being simple and being in love with someone extraordinary.

  
“I’m not gonna ask anything about why you were there,” Ichigo said and sighed, “But do you wanna stay over tonight?”

  
A long time ago you would have been afraid to say yes because it seemed like admitting you needed help or comfort, but now it was deep in the night and your head was full of painful questions.

  
“Yeah,” you said, “If that’s okay.”

  
“This asshole here,” Ichigo said and gestured at Grimmjow, “Is staying downstairs, so that means you can have the wardrobe all for yourself.”

  
You would have punched him in the side but your eyes stung and you remembered the look Orihime gave you before you left over and over. So when he asked again you didn’t have the will to refuse.

 

* * *

 

 

You pulled the blanket up to your nose and closed your eyes. It was so dark inside of the wardrobe and the walls were close enough for you to touch them at all sides if you wanted to.

  
Of all self-indulgent things you desired this sense of familiarity was the worst; it reminded you of the time when you were able to go to school with Ichigo and his friends, experience the human nature for the first time.

  
Soul Society was your home, but carved into the wood above your head were dreams that could have fit into picture frames. Your halcyon days were those captured before the wars and the reminder that, whatever you did, you would see them die and forget you. Souls didn’t always remember and it seemed foolish to believe you could be lucky.

  
But this wardrobe was a space between worlds and you allowed yourself to be nothing but a thought for the present moment, a stream of consciousness that knew nothing of death or jealousy or falling in love with someone who was radiant enough to blind you.

  
“You’re thinking too hard about something again,” Ichigo had told you and knocked his knuckles against your head, “Stop it. Doesn’t help one bit.”

  
You huffed out a laugh.

  
“This could be easier for once in a while,” you whispered to yourself, “Damnit.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“It’s okay to ask for help,” Orihime said as she bandaged your hand, her fingers moving across your skin so gently you were not sure they were even there in the first place. A ghost, and a hypocritical one at that._

  
_“You never do, though,” you told her and sighed exasperatedly, “You should take your own advice.”_

  
_“Oh, I’m fine,” Orihime laughed and shook her head._

  
_You saw the strain in her shoulders and the blood dripping out of her sleeve- no time to heal herself, not if the world was burning and she thought setting herself on fire might help._

  
_“I worry about you, too,” you said quietly and her surprise saddened you, “Be careful.”_

 

* * *

 

 

You awoke and felt her hand in yours. A thought was forming in your mind, a definitive choice and the one who would help you with it.

  
No one awoke as you tiptoed out of the Kurosaki clinic; Ichigo would find your note later.

  
_Idiot_ it read and there was a bunny below holding up pointer and middle finger like you had seen people do in Orihime’s strange movies. People laughed a lot in those; and you did too when you saw it made her happy.

 

* * *

 

 

_Orihime’s favorite was the caramel popcorn while you thought cappuccino had a more interesting taste. She had gotten something like a bucket at a cinema and now wore it on her head because the streets were empty and the rush of seeing a movie was still in your veins._

  
_The first time you had barely even known where to look; Orihime wanted to sit up front right in front of the screen and you were overwhelmed by the colors and loud noise._

  
_“Did you like it?” she asked you as the credits rolled and began to apologize as you shook your head._

  
_“No, no, it was-” you began and laughed, “I feel like someone exploded something right inside of me.”_

  
_“In a good way?”_

  
_“In a good way.”_

  
_So now that it had turned into a ritual whenever you visited it was something you looked forward to; something silly and joyful and so undoubtedly human that you had to keep yourself from smiling the entire time._

  
_“I’m so happy you liked this one!” Orihime said and adjusted her new hat, “Do you think there could actually be aliens on their way here right now?”_

  
_“I am not sure that would be a good thing,” you answered and pretended to be very serious about the whole ordeal, “Whatever would we do if strange and otherworldly creatures attacked our home?”_

  
_You laughed as she did and the stars were bright and you were in love still, terribly so._

 

* * *

 

 

“I-” Tatsuki said and composed herself, “I did not expect you.”

  
You bowed a little and took a step backwards so your sudden arrival did not seem any more insolent.

  
“I would like to speak to you about something,” you said and did not yet dare to look up, “I apologize for the intrusion and-”

  
“Jeez, you’re so formal,” Tatsuki interrupted and turned around, gesturing you to follow, “Come on in, then, if its so important.”

  
Despite her seemingly dismissive greeting she made you tea and smiled as you complimented the paintings in the hallway.

  
“I love your dress,” Tatsuki said as she stirred the hot beverage, “I used to think you were so intimidating, but now you look like you actually belong here.”

  
“I want to,” you found yourself admitting and it was good saying it out loud, “I don’t like the thought of leaving all of this behind.”

  
“Well, do you have to? Choose one or the other, I mean?”

  
And that was what it all came down to in the end, the question what world was worth living for and which one you could not bear losing. Combining your duties in both seemed too much like a dream to be an option.

  
Tatsuki seemed to take your silence as an affirmation and sighed.

  
“That isn’t what you’re here for, is it?” she asked and her eyes softened, “This is about Orihime.”

  
A lot of things were about her these days.

  
Tatsuki laughed at your expression and you wondered when you had started to wear your heart on your sleeve again. Perhaps Byakuya opening up to you had been the final trigger, his clumsy attempts at being a good brother. The years before meeting Ichigo you had been more closed off, even more isolated. Then he and his friends dragged you outside of your protective bubble.

  
“We had a fight about you,” Tatsuki said and if any words had the power to pull you back into reality it was those. Unexpected but not surprising; you had known something was up and your worst fears were still ones you considered.

  
“Really?” you asked and rubbed your wrists against each other, “Why?”

  
The tea was cold as you sipped on it.

  
“Orihime and Ichigo have-” Tatsuki began and paused, looked down, tried to gather her thoughts, “I’m not like you.”

  
And suddenly you knew where this was going as if a dreadful premonition showed you the future as it would be, crystal clear and without flaws.

  
“I can see ghosts and spirits, even the stronger ones now,” she continued and laughed, “It’s so fucked up, just watching you guys jump around and do your thing, you know. Guess it does take a bit of getting used to after all.”

  
“It’s not-”

  
“No, I am not accusing you of anything,” she insisted and shook her head, “But you get it, don’t you?”

  
And with a sudden clarity you did; it was so easy to see why she had grown apart from them and why it was so difficult to salvage.

  
“You don’t feel you are part of their world anymore,” you said, “Because no matter how much you try you won’t be like them in the end. An outsider.”

  
Tatsuki shrugged.

  
“Yeah, that’s the gist of it. I don’t want to whine about it, but Orihime couldn’t understand what I meant. It’s pretty easy, though, if you think about it. No matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to keep up with her or follow her around the world.”

  
“And you think I can. And that is why she doesn’t talk to you anymore?”

  
“Yes.”

  
You laughed, timidly but growing more confident as you went over what she told you in her head.

  
“Orihime thinks she is a burden,” you said, “Not you. She thinks you don’t want anything to do with her weird friends and weird abilities and all that, maybe because there was a time when you got hurt. She doesn’t want to stop talking to you.”

  
Tatsuki bristled, frowned, shifted nervously. But there was hope in her eyes, too.

  
“How would you know that? Did she tell you?”

  
“You know I am right, don’t you?” you asked, “Because you have known her for so much longer.”

  
Most of your latest companionship seemed to be formed in silence; staring into the swirling surface of the cooling tea.

  
“I was scared of apologizing,” Tatsuki admitted after a while, “Even though I know I am the one who freaked. I know she would never want to abandon anyone.”

  
You didn’t expect her to start crying.

  
“Look at me,” she laughed, “Can’t even keep it together now. I just miss being part of all that. Can you believe how pathetic that sounds?”

  
“It doesn’t,” you said and scooted a little closer as if just the presence of another person could somehow make up for how her friends had avoided her. It wasn’t something to be fixed overnight, but just with that acknowledgment you felt like they could be fine.

  
“And now I talked a lot and I still don’t know why you came here,” Tatsuki continued, still laughing with tears in her eyes, “That is just really rude of me, probably.”

  
“Probably,” you replied and smiled.

  
“Then out with it, can’t be worse than mine now.”

  
You took a deep breath.

  
“I need your help,” you said, “Because I am in love with her and I don’t know what to do.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Orihime made you get a phone as you first stayed in the human world for a while._

  
_“And this is my number,” she said cheerfully and handed it to you like it was a trophy, “Don’t you go losing it!”_

  
_You looked down on the light green phone case that had tiny clovers on it and fit into your palm perfectly._

  
_Orihime gasped._

  
_“I just realized,” she said and looked around, deep in thought, “Do you even get reception over there? Does Soul Society have an area code? Or does every area of Rukongai belong to a specific place in our world and we would gave to find out if any of the ones you live in correspond to-”_

  
_“Thank you,” you said and smiled because you could tell her train of thought was still going, “I love it.”_

  
_“I promise I won’t make prank calls!” Orihime swore and pressed a hand to her heart, “Hereby I swear only to use it for the good of the world.”_

  
_“If you made a prank call I could let my brother take it,” you replied and laughed as she turned white as a sheet, “I am sure he would love that.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“I love Soul Society in the spring,” she laughed and twirled around with her arms extended, a swirling storm surrounded by petals.

  
When she stumbled she used your shoulder to steady herself; you were not prepared and you fell to the ground in a tangled mess, laughing the entire time.

  
It looked a scene taken straight from a dream; the grass was greenest here and the sky so blue it blinded you. Sometimes the thought of this as your home was so strong the human world seemed blunt and distant.

  
Then you looked over at her and saw her long eyelashes brush against her skin as she closed her eyes. You felt like a fool watching her, but a happy one nonetheless.

  
It had been worth it, that short month you got to spend with her as if you could work out. Maybe in another life you could have had more time, but for the moment you were grateful.

  
“Rukia?” Orihime asked and sounded more serious than before, as if things were ending and she would facilitate the process by speaking.

  
“Yeah?”

  
She glanced at you through the grass and you realized that being in love was strange all over again.

  
Soul Society was alive around you, or at least as alive as it could be. With the victims of the war against the Quincy fresh on your mind even after time had began to pass it was difficult to be fully at ease.

  
For you the place where you found a little peace of mind were the cramped space in Ichigo’s wardrobe, the graveyard of your friends from your Rukongai days and then this, maybe, Orihime at your side and her hair tickling you until you sneezed.

  
But by now you knew better than to think it would ever be so easy.

  
“I was so, so in love with Kurosaki-kun,” Orihime whispered and your heart broke even as relief washed over you. It was about time.

 

* * *

 

 

_Byakuya tried, he really did, and you felt a strange surge of pride as you watched him interact with Orihime._

  
_It was something you had wanted for a while, seeing those two meet in an environment that was not a battlefield stained with their allies’ blood._

  
_“I don’t know if you remember me,” Orihime had stuttered as she first arrived, “I am Orihime Inoue, it is an honor to meet you.”_

  
_Byakuya lifted his eyebrows as if the thought of forgetting her was ludicrous in itself. You agreed for different reasons; she had pieced his broken body back together as a Quincy attempted to explode him from within. There was something to say about people who would forget someone like that._

  
_“Indeed it is,” Byakuya said and you could tell he kept his stern look in check. For him it was the most difficult to let tradition slide, to ease up and accept her differences. It was true the other way around, too, though; Orihime was ready to embrace your traditions even if she might feel they were restricting._

  
_“I love your garden,” she said and blushed, “I never had any time to look at it before.”_

  
_And as Byakuya’s lips twitched you knew this could have worked out; if only it could be more than pretending and moving towards the goal of that one moment at a party that would convince her aunt. Convince her of what? Back then it was just an idle thought, a foolish one._

 

* * *

 

 

“He was everything to me,” Orihime said now and you knew exactly she was not joking, “Because I thought I was nothing.”

  
It was a new story for you, one you had wanted to hear for a while but only ever repeated in your head like a mantra.

  
“Time and time again I told myself I had to get stronger, stop crying, fight on my own. Everyone else did it so easily and I admired you for it. I was jealous, too.”

  
You knew it was important she said it out loud; because that meant the words and thoughts were real and relevant.

  
“But I was so scared,” Orihime said, “All the time. Because if I failed people would die or be killed trying to protect me. So obviously it was my fault, right?”

  
“You know it-”

  
“Please let me finish,” she pleaded and did not look at you. Up at the sky, up at the single cloud you saw.

  
“I wanted to take the simple way out,” she said, “To be saved. Kurosaki-kun- no, Ichigo, he was the one I thought could do it even if deep down I knew that wasn’t possible or fair.”

  
She held up her hand and let the sun shine through her fingers.

  
“He can’t fix me because I don’t need to be fixed,” Orihime said and smiled again, “He doesn’t have to save me because I don’t need to be saved at all.”

  
You saw the tears in her eyes and reached out without a second thought, stopping yourself before you touched her.

  
“About time you figured it out,” you said and smiled fondly, “You idiot.”

  
Orihime didn’t laugh and you thought you had offended her for a moment; but then you noticed she was looking at you with a frown, maybe something less and filled with concern.

  
“I didn’t say this just for my sake, you know.”

  
“What do you mean?” you asked and swallowed thickly.

  
The wind stroked over your face and flattened the grass against your cheek. It felt ethereal, like it was taken from one of the magazines you had seen lying around in her room. Pages upon pages filled with tips and recommendations, things to buy and places to see. Colorful. Human.

  
“You think I chose you because it was convenient,” Orihime said, “It makes me sad you don’t see why that is impossible.”

  
“Huh?” Nothing more came out of your mouth. A brain frozen in shock, thoughts astray.

  
“You’re amazing,” she murmured, “But when you look at yourself you don’t see it.”

  
“I don’t understand-”

  
“When you think of all the times we spent together during the last month, then who do you think was happier?”

 

* * *

 

 

_I was happy to walk by your side, too._

 

* * *

 

 

You sputtered and coughed.

 

* * *

 

 

_I wanted you to share your dreams with me, too._

 

* * *

 

 

It was hard to breathe.

 

* * *

 

 

_I wanted to protect you, too._

 

* * *

 

 

Every word was like a sting, a shove, a foreign concept.

 

* * *

 

 

_I hoped to run to your side, too._

 

* * *

 

 

And you thought she was lying.

 

* * *

 

 

_I wanted to keep that moment forever, too._

 

* * *

 

 

And you thought she pitied you.

 

* * *

 

 

_I let you know you are beautiful, too._

 

* * *

 

 

But you began to understand she wouldn’t;

 

* * *

 

 

_I wanted you to see how talented you are, too._

 

* * *

 

 

Couldn’t;

 

* * *

 

 

_I was there to help you, too._

 

* * *

 

 

Didn’t.

 

* * *

 

 

_I wanted to show you there are so many good things in this world._

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Come on, look at your phone,” Orihime told you and reached out to take your hand in hers, gentle fingers holding yours.

  
You were unable to speak and reached into your clothes to pull out your phone. Lucky clovers.

  
There was a single message on the screen, a single sentence and you started to laugh as you read it, squeezed her fingers, wiped your eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

_You’re like the stars._

 

* * *

 

 

And now you knew for sure that your heart was safe with her.

 

 

* * *

 


End file.
